hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
