i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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