My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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