Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
