just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Houston, we have a blender
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I party with great urgency now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
