Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
