You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
