im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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