i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
