she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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