This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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