jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
