I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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