I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
