JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
