i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
ttyl tear gas
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
