"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
