tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
