whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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