i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
