1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
