I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
