My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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