Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
