I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
