Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
