Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
