Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
