She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
