she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
