Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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