If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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