turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He felt like a one man threesome
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
