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Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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