i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
