Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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