i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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