quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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