I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
