oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
