My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
