I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
