I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
