I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
