just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I still have a little drunk in my system
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
