Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
