Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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