i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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