On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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