It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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