i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
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I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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