you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
