you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
