there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
