you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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