it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
