I puked a lego.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize