So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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