There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
