I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
