1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
